III. Sometimes in an effort to be clear a writer uses _same_ as a
pronoun; as,
_Wrong_: If the books are not satisfactory, return
same.
This is one of the worst of the distinctly business blunders. _Same_ is
never a pronoun. Write to a man as you talk to him and you will not use
_same_ in this way. (See Exercise 88.)
IV. Sometimes in order to get attention a writer will use a liberal
sprinkling of dashes and capitals, probably in imitation of advertising
copy. Better than such artificial means is the attraction of a well
worded letter.
* * * * *
Criticise the following letters, pointing out all the expressions that
should be improved. Rewrite the letters.
1
Gentlemen:
We beg to acknowledge your esteemed favor of Apr. 6.
In regard to shoes received by you in poor shape as
per complaint, would say that on receipt of same will
try to locate cause of trouble. If due to defect in
manufacture, will credit you with value of same.
Hoping this is satisfactory to you,
Yours truly,
2
Dear Sir:
Yours of March 18 at hand. Referring to matter of
short weight, I beg to call your attention to C & A
car 87324, which you loaded for us March 7 at your
Auburn mine, gross weight 121,400 lbs. This car was
check weighed at Peoria March 11 on your company's
scales and showed gross weight 113,200 lbs. or
shortage 8,200 lbs. Having investigated car, I find
same was in good order and no indication of leakage,
and it would appear to be a case of carelessness at
time of loading. Therefore will request you to kindly
send me cr. memo, on 8,200 lbs.
Yours truly,
=Exercise 223--The Sales Letter=
The object of the sales letter is to make the reader buy. How can you do
it? To begin with, get his point of view--that of the user. Then imagine
that he is present and talk to him on paper. Get his interest with your
opening sentence. Explain what you have to sell. Show him that he needs
it. Whet his desire to possess it, and, finally, make it easy and
imperative for him to order today.
The opening paragraph is all-important. It may make or mar a letter. If
it is stilted or lacks directness, if it hasn't the personal, natural
tone that makes the reader feel you are talking to him, or if it is
stereotyped in its wording, the letter will probably go to the
waste-basket.
Contrast the two letters that follow. Both were written to accompany a
catalogue. Notice that the first begins and ends in a stereotyped way;
has too few details to arouse interest; asks for an order but has no
inducement to give one now; and, throughout, lacks the personal,
convincing tone that makes the second a good selling letter. Notice that
the second begins with _you_, not with _we_, and keeps the same _you_
attitude to the end.
Turn back to the five essentials of a letter given on page 230. See if
you can differentiate the five in the second letter.
1
Dear Sir:
In compliance with your request of recent date we are
sending you our latest general catalogue, inasmuch as
we do not know which department catalogue you wish. We
also have specialized books for jewelry, furniture,
hardware, and drygoods. On request we shall be glad to
send any one of these also.
We carry the biggest line of Variety Store Leaders in
the country, and our goods are always of the best. We
take particular pains to acquaint our customers with
the latest thing in the trade, and to give
business-getting suggestions. Our Co-operative Bureau
cheerfully answers all inquiries.
Trusting we shall hear from you with an order, we are
Yours truly,
2
Dear Sir:
Under separate cover you will receive a copy of our
latest general catalogue, published especially for
owners of Variety Stores. We are sending you the
general catalogue because we do not know whether you
are interested in a particular department. However, if
your business specializes in any one class of
goods--such as jewelry, furniture, hardware, or
drygoods--we shall be glad to supply you with the
departmental book you need. On the enclosed postal
card simply check the one you wish, and mail the card
to-day. We shall forward the catalogue at once.
You may know that we always have on hand between two
hundred and two hundred and fifty different Variety
Store Leaders, affording you a wide selection of
high-class goods of the finest materials, the neatest
workmanship, and the latest styles at very low prices.
After glancing over the catalogue you will agree with
us that in every department of our huge business a
dollar has full purchasing power.
A unique feature of our business, moreover, is the
Co-operative Bureau, which you will find a decided
help in building up your business. Each week the
Bureau sends out a Bulletin, acquainting our customers
with important business events in the larger trade
centers, with suggestions for new advertising and
selling methods, with notices of new stock additions
that make especially good leaders, and with advice how
best to display them. The Bureau invites
correspondence and sends customers, absolutely free
of charge, advice on new store arrangements, window
decorations, and advertising plans.
Your first order makes you a co-operating member and
entitles you to all the privileges of the Bureau and
the services of an institution with wide experience
and with a recognized reputation for square-dealing.
Fill out the enclosed order blank, mail it to-day, and
receive this week's Bulletin by return mail. It
contains several splendid suggestions for novel,
inexpensive advertising.
Yours truly,
The letter given above is personal and yet dignified. Usually that is
the best style to use, and the one that we wish to practice writing.
Sometimes, however, results can best be obtained by using the colloquial
or even jocular tone illustrated in the following letter sent to a
retailer in Ottumwa, Iowa:
Dear Sir:
We sell cheese, a new brand, the finest kind you ever
tasted, put up in the most attractive package, to sell
at the most attractive price. Called Par Excellence
Creme, wrapped in silver foil with a gold label, it
sells for fifteen cents and costs you ten. Ever hear a
better proposition?
Better buy now before your rival gets ahead of you.
Everybody's calling for it. Why? Because we're
advertising everywhere. It has been out only one
month, and yet sales have trebled our highest
expectations. Half the sales of a new cheese depend on
the package and the price; the other half depend on
the quality. All three are right in Par Excellence
Creme.
Mr. S. R. King, our Iowa representative, tried to see
you last week, but, unfortunately, he was unable to
find you in. Now, he carries a full line of our
samples, and it's worth the time it takes just to see
how good they look, even if you don't care to buy. How
about it? Don't you want to see them? Mr. King will be
in Ottumwa next Wednesday.
Yours truly,
This style is commonly called "snappy." It has its advantage, but should
be used only rarely. Above all, if you do use it, avoid the dash. Notice
how the dash spoils the following:
Dear Sir:
Have you ever eaten that king of nuts--the budded or
grafted paper shell pecan--the nut whose kernel is as
nutritious as beef and as sweet and delicious as
honey--the nut that is so delightfully palatable and
so wholesome, the discriminating epicures of two
continents have set their seal of approval on
it--creating a demand that literally cannot be
supplied--even at prices ranging as high as a dollar a
pound.
To use the dash in this way seems to imply that you do not understand
punctuation or sentence structure. If the paragraph is rewritten,
removing the dashes and dividing into sentences, we get a much stronger
appeal. The dash makes for weakness rather than for strength because it
suggests hysterics.
Dear Sir:
Have you ever eaten the king of nuts, the budded or
grafted paper shell pecan? The kernel is as nutritious
as beef and as sweet as honey. It is so wholesome and
so delicious that discriminating epicures of two
continents have set their approval on it, creating a
demand that literally cannot be supplied, even at
prices ranging as high as a dollar a pound.
A very good way to open a sales letter is to get the attention by a bit
of narration containing direct quotations, as shown in the following:
Dear Sir:
"It saves seven per cent."
So said Mr. John H. Samuels, a manufacturer of
Birmingham, Ala.
He had watched his bookkeepers at their work, and it
seemed to him that their main business was turning and
flattening the springy pages of the bulgy ledger. Ten
seconds were wasted, he said, every time a page was
turned--almost every time an entry was made--and
hardly more than two minutes were needed to make the
entry. That was enough. Each of his twenty men was
wasting seven per cent of his time.
"Try hinged paper," suggested the head bookkeeper.
Accordingly, Mr. Samuels tried several kinds of hinged
paper, only to find that the hinged section tore,
broke, or cracked. The time that the clerks now saved
in flattening the leaves they wasted in rewriting the
pages that had torn out.
He had no more faith in hinged papers by the time that
he saw the advertisement of the Benton hinge. "As
strong as the rest of the paper!" he scoffed. "We'll
see about this!"
"Send me a sample," he wrote us. "If your ad tells the
truth, you get my order."
We sent it. He tested it. He pulled it, crumpled it,
ruled on it, erased it on both sides, and even creased
it. But it did not break.
Very cautiously and doubtingly he tried the paper in
one ledger for one month. He found that the book
rolled flat whenever it was opened, that no hinge
tore, and that every page could be used from binder to
outer edge.
"It does the work," he told our salesman at the end of
the month. "It saves seven per cent. Send me a
consignment."
If you, too, are paying seven per cent of your
bookkeepers' salaries for waste motion, let us send
you a sample. It will cut down your expenses as it cut
down Mr. Samuels'.
Remember that you put yourself under no obligation to
us. You take no risks. Simply promise to use the paper
if we send it free.
Yours truly,
=Exercise 224=
Study the following letters and letter openings for good and bad
qualities:
1
Dear Sir:
People who have not had much of what the world calls
"good luck" find it hard to believe an opportunity
when it comes--they don't feel sure about it--on the
other hand, people who have had many opportunities
have a natural confidence that every opening presented
is intended for them and they grasp it with an
assurance that begets success.
You may be one of those who have not had many chances
to do what you would like to do and therefore not sure
that my offer is an opportunity. For that reason let
us again go over the points of advantage....
2
Dear Sir:
I am taking the liberty of writing you again because I
fear you do not fully realize the value of the
proposition I am offering you. Why, man, it's the
opportunity of a life-time!... (extended for three
pages.)
3
Dear Sir:
If we wanted to know just what kind of person you are,
do you know where we'd go to find out? We'd ask your
old friends and neighbors, who know all about you from
close association.
If you want to find out about us--what we are doing
and what improvements we are making in southern
Florida--the best place to get this information is
from the people of Florida, who know the facts from
first-hand observation. The enclosed clipping is an
editorial expression--not a paid advertisement--from
the Ft. Meyers Press. The editor is under no
obligation to us and is merely expressing the opinion
of the people here. . . .
4
New York, Right Now.
A DEAL OF IMPORTANCE
It affects YOU! It is so important I must forego the
pleasure of a personal letter in order to write 5,000
people to-day--500 of whom--the wide-awake ones who
read this letter through--will be able to coin it into
dollars--real money--money you can spend.
What we now offer you has never before been offered by
any body in the world. It is a combination we are
fortunate enough, just at this time, to be able to
offer you, because of an important deal we have just
closed--a deal that may easily spell dollars to you.
Read every word of this letter--it may be--possibly
is--the only thing to make you a successful and
wealthy man. . . .
5
R F D 4 Logansport, Ind.
8-26-11.
Mr. M. H. Smith, etc.
Dear Sir:
I acknowledge getting your telegram over the telephone
yesterday, and if I had been in funds would have
answered by return telegram, but such is life. I
accommodated a friend by loaning him $750, which will
probably be paid the last week of never. I thank you
for the offer, and when I am in funds will call on you
either personally or by letter.
Very truly yours,
=Exercise 225--Opening an Account=
Imagine that you are manager of a wholesale dry goods house. You have
received an order from P. H. Powley, 23 Water street, Franklin, Mich. As
you do not know Mr. Powley, write him, stating in as courteous a way as
possible that, since this is his first order, he must either furnish
references or send a remittance. Make your letter direct and personal.
Include some good selling talk.
The exercise above illustrates the method that might be adopted in case
of a small order. If Mr. Powley had sent a large order, the wholesale
house would no doubt consult a financial agency to discover his
financial condition; his _rating_, it is called. If his name were not
found in the book of the agency, the wholesale house would require Mr.
Powley to send a correct account of his financial standing; that is, a
list of his assets and liabilities. If he refused, they would not do
business with him. Why? The principal financial agencies are Bradstreet
and Dun. Besides these, there are many mercantile agencies. They give
any information that is required concerning a business man. All such
information is confidential.
In connection with this exercise study the letters that follow:
REQUEST TO OPEN AN ACCOUNT
Madison, Wis., Sept. 16, 1915.
Wilson, Brighton, & Co.,
68 Broadway, New York.
Gentlemen:
Until recently I was in the employ of Samuel Stratton
& Co. of Milwaukee, but I have now started a business
of my own, for which I should like to open an account
with your house. As to my business ability and
financial standing, I refer you to my late employers,
Samuel Stratton & Co. of Milwaukee, and to the Madison
State Bank of this city.
If on investigation you decide to accept me as a
customer, will you please send the goods on the
enclosed order, deducting your usual discount for
cash? Upon receipt of the goods and of the invoice, I
shall at once forward a sight draft on the Broadway
National Bank of your city.
Respectfully yours,
George R. Scott
REPLY NO. 1
Dear Sir:
In seeking information through the usual outside
channels for basing credit for you, we find our
reports have not been sufficient in detail to permit
us to arrange this matter satisfactorily. These
reports all speak very highly of you in a personal
way, but do not give us the required information
financially.
We assume you want our goods for your Christmas trade.
It is imperative, therefore, that we ship immediately.
We suggest that on this order you send us a draft, in
consideration of which we shall be pleased to allow
you a special discount of 4%. Understand that we
suggest these terms on this first order only, as we
feel confident that we can easily arrange a credit
basis for future shipments. We sincerely trust you
will take no offense at the above suggestion, as we
have made it in your interest.
Yours very truly,
REPLY NO. 2
Dear Sir:
Thank you for the order you sent us yesterday. Its
size confirms the belief we have always held that
D---- is a rapidly growing business center, the right
place for a retailer to settle and prosper.
After careful consideration of your letter, however,
we have decided to hold back your order for a short
time. You cannot regret this more than we do. We do
not like to lose your account, and yet, under the
circumstances, we feel we cannot send you the order.
We hope you can sell the property you mentioned in
your letter and thus clear up the balances against
you. Then we shall gladly open an account for you.
We are especially sorry we cannot send the order at
once, as you no doubt need your fall stock now. Don't
you think it would be the best solution if you would
send us your remittance for $250 now, so that we may
send the goods? We know what it means to buy in the
open market so late in the season. We assure you that
on receipt of a remittance the order will go through
immediately.
Yours truly,
=Exercise 226=